Breathe in. Breathe out. Repeat.
I promise you that I could write entire novels with the significance of events that have transpired in this last week. Sometimes I feel like I’m getting a firm grip on life and then I realize that I’m holding onto a steering wheel that isn’t attached to the car.
Sometimes my low moments are lower than I care to share on a blog. Wendy and I had a serious low in our marriage this last week. We are working through it and emerging stronger than ever on the other side of it though. I just felt like during that time, I needed to have a bit of a ‘cave’ time in my life. Advice and friends are absolutely necessary in life. Sometimes however, the only advice I want is the advice that I find on my knees in quiet moments with God. I made a choice to live by the life code of my savior. Some days it’s easy. Some days it’s not easy because I don’t want to do what’s right. During these times, I’ve found that the best thing I can do is close myself off to the pull of our culture, and allow the Holy Spirit to open me up and begin to change me from the inside out. That’s what I’ve been doing for this last week. I can honestly say that even though I’ve experienced a low point that has set a new bar in my 34 years for bad days, that I’ve also experienced a grace working in my life that quite frankly astounded me. Allowing God to work and move in and through my life is the single greatest decision I have ever made.
As we were climbing out of the valley together, Wendy and I also had some news that is probably the best news I’ve had in nearly 10 years. (perhaps this is how bipolar disorder begins) I found out that I am going to be a new dad again. My little girl was born 10 years ago, and since that time, I’ve been trying to convince Wendy that it was time for another. Somewhat unsuccessfully mind you. So unsuccessful, in fact, that it became a bit of a joke among our closest friends. I would joke that ‘I’ve almost convinced her,’ and everyone would get a small laugh at my own expense. Inside though, I was always holding out for the next child. Last year, I finally won her over. We began trying (a lot) to get pregnant. After being on a birth control shot though for almost 10 years, it began looking like getting pregnant might not be an option for us. In fact, some studies showed that women on the shot for that long weren’t ever able to get pregnant. (studies… not something I put a great deal of trust into) After about 6 months of trying though, we pretty much gave up. We gave away all of the baby items that we had purchased and just went along our merry little way. (didn’t stop ‘trying’ and didn’t resume birth control)
So, early last week, we found out that we were pregnant. The timing is so significant. It’s pretty cool how God would choose one of the lowest points in my life to hand me one of the most amazing gifts of my life. He’s really pretty cool like that. (didn’t mention yet, but we’re also in the process of making the most significant business decisions of our lives to date this month too… That’s another blog entry for another day.) Perhaps now the title makes a bit more sense. That’s what I’m doing. I’m not numb, but I’m so incredibly overstimulated right now that it is difficult to process all of the thoughts and emotions parading around in my mind like some kind of spectacular circus side show. I’m just breathing and watching and soaring.
I can’t speak for everyone, but I am absolutely grateful for this life that I’ve been chosen to live. I find it intriguing and suspenseful. Some days it is pretty epic. Thanks for taking the time to read. If you have a thought or opinion. Share it. I’ll listen.